Harry Potter and…something else
by pooloo
Summary: Harry Potter and…..something else I’m too lazy to think up. - a parody. a parody i decided to write the first chapter is short but so what. pg-13 for swearing.
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter and.....something else I'm too lazy to think up.  
A parody  
By Onionqueen  
  
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Once upon a time in a land far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far away. There was a moody teenager named Harry Potter. But Harry Potter was not any ordinary moody teenager (are any of them?) he was a WIZARD. But Harry Potter was not any ordinary moody teenage- wizard he was also the SAVIOR of the WIZARDING world. But he was no ordinary moody teenage-wizard savior he was also also THE ONLY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD NEVER TO HAVE SWORN OR KNOWN ANYTHING ABOUT S-E-X! But he was no ordinary moody teenage-wizard savior who was the only sixteen year old never to have sworn or known anything about sex he was also.....  
  
GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Fine. So Harry Potter was sitting in his shit-hole of a room at number four private drive lying in bed awake pondering the meaning of life like any other savior when suddenly he was accosted by his owl Hedgwig. She was carrying a letter hopefully from his two bestest friends in the whole wide world, Hermione and Ron. He opened his letter excitedly wondering if this was an invitation to the Burrow where he Ron and Hermione would spend endless summer night swimming in the near bye pond, having pillow fights and talking about boys ...cough...I mean girls...yes...girls that's it.  
  
But alas it was only a letter from his stalker stating again what he would like to do with Harry. But since Harry had no idea what sex was he had no idea what the letter meant so he just tossed it on the ground. Across the street a blond haired boy looked on through binoculars crushed that Harry had dismissed his advances so casually.  
  
"Ah well next time" he said in his gross-mouth breather-stalker way. How sad that this poor misguided boy who was so in love with Harry had to sit in silence not able to express his true emotions in any other way than secret letters. The poor poor boy....  
  
"excuse me the story is supposed to be about ME!" Harry exclaimed hitting the narrator numerous times over the head with a haring.  
  
So sorry Harry, will get strait back to you...but that poor poor boy...  
  
"Ahem" Harry said haring in hand.  
  
Yes yes of course on with the story. Harry sat glumly on his bead stroking his haring, wondering why his friend had forsaken him, why everyone always left him. He promptly broke into song.  
  
"When I was young I never needed anyone...  
  
And making love was just for fun  
  
Those days are gone  
  
Livin' alone  
  
I think of all the friends I've known  
  
When I dial the telephone  
  
Nobody's home  
  
All by myself  
  
Don't wanna be  
  
All by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
Hard to be sure  
  
Sometimes I feel so insecure  
  
And loves so distant and obscure  
  
Remains the cure...."  
  
"Whats all that racket about boy?!" exclaimed a large mustached man who burst into Harry's room. He was quickly joined by a boy the size of a wail (is that even physically possible?) and a women no bigger than your thumb.  
  
"My friends have forsaken me..." he said misty eyed bidding the tears not to fall.  
  
"Fo-sak-in-whaty? Is that more of the ruddy rubbish they teach you at your school?" he said his face turning redder and redder until it resembled a rather large zit.  
  
"For-sak-in" Harry spelled out "To quit or leave entirely; to desert; to abandon; to depart or withdraw from; to leave; as, false friends and flatterers forsake us in adversity."  
  
"Don't be smart with me boy!" the man yelled as his face started to swell from the growing redness.  
  
Harry sighed and gazed out his window why couldn't he have a nice loving uncle why couldn't he just be loved...  
  
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows but Jesus Nobody knows the trouble I've seen......" he stood ready to do his best Mariah Carey impersonation.  
  
"STOP STOP THAT SINGING!" uncle Vernon exclaimed his head duly swelled another size and exploded covering Harry who was singing, Dudly who was doubling in size, and his wife who was the size of your thumb with blood, gore and all those yummy things.  
  
"Well shit." Exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Not to fear Harry we're here to rescue you!" exclaimed Professor Remus Lupin jumping through the window along with his faithful sidekicks Tonks the women auror to prove that Mrs. Weasly is not the only witch on the earth and Mad eye the old geezer weirdo who proved useful in previous plots but now is just here for kicks. "Um no offence but I don't really need saving I just need a mop and a shovel." Lupin stared at him blankly for some minutes."  
  
Harry sighed. "alright you can save me." He said the glow returned to Lupin's eyes and he picked Harry up swung him over his shoulder.  
  
"Order of the Phoenix away!" he yelled and jumped out of the window. Mad eye and Tonks groaned slapping their heads and preformed several memory charms.  
  
"You never should have given him any chocolate." Tonks said punching Moody in the arm and changing her hair six times in six seconds. He just mumbled something and jumped out the window after Lupin.  
  
Ok I was really bored/hyper when I wrote this so shhhh.  
  
Plz r/r  
  
---Onion 


	2. nail painting and YM magazine reading

The three heroes of the Order of the Phoenix brought Harry back to the Burrow so he would actually know what a family was. Harry enjoyed many sleepovers filled with nail painting and YM magazine reading with Ron. While at the Burrow enjoying his flamboyant summer he also realized that after six years the author like so many other unfortunate ff writers had decided to add in a love interest that had not shown any interest in him throughout ANY of the books.  
  
He was now in love with/ had a crush on Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Cho, the random Mary Sue no one gives a shit about and Draco Malfoy. And of course Ron was jealous of ALL of them.  
  
So damn typical.  
  
"Ahem" Harry said bringing out his haring again and holding it in a very threatening way.  
  
WELL GUESS WHAT HARRY? THIS AUTHOR ISN'T TAKING ANY MORE OF YOUR BULLSHIT! I'M NOT AFRAID OF THAT STUPID HARING...WELL NOT REALLY.........YOU KEEP THAT AWAY FROM ME! NO! NO HARRY PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
this scene was cut do to excessive violence please be patient your program will return momentarily-  
  
Fine Harry we'll only talk about you. Just keep that haring the hell away from me.  
  
The artist formally known as the boys who lived strode powerfully into the open doors of Hogwarts aware that he had just totally bypassed the usual last weeks of summer and the train ride to his magical school. Because guess what? I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING THAT PART!  
  
Well he thought the author is one lazy... He was promptly hit over the head with a salmon.  
  
YOU SEE HARRY TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME *CUE EVIL LAUGH*  
  
"Yeah yeah I get it! Gosh darn touchy writer." He said as he followed his fellow Gryffindors into the hall ignoring completely the rest of the houses. Gryffindor ruled all anyway. He sat down with his two bestess friends in the entire world.  
  
And then just before he was able to greet his two bestess bud he saw a girl walk into the hall.  
  
She was beautiful with luscious blonde hair sliding down to her size zero waste and perfectly accenting her huge bosoms. Her perfectly angelic blue eyes scanned the room until they met his she smiled and waved. She was the years newest Mary Sue.  
  
Harry then felt a very odd sensation in his lower areas.  
  
He screamed "GOOD GOD PEOPLE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY MALE AREAS! THEIR HARD!" he then passed out in shock. You see Rowling? This is why you need to teach children about S-E-X. This goes for you to Bush.  
  
Harry was woken seconds later by Seamus giving him mouth to mouth. He coughed and spluttered and rose in a very valiant way as was the way of teenage saviors of wizarding worlds. The he broke out laughing realizing how dirty Seamus's name was.  
  
"Seamus, seamen!" he chortled the rest of the school joined in with his laughing and Seamus ran out crying hopefully to find some dark corner in which he could kill himself.  
  
Seamus I ask you! Who in their right minds would name their kid that? Ah well back to the story....  
  
The night ended after Dumbledore announced the new defense against the dark's teacher who would disappear for the rest of the story than suddenly appear at the end as a critical player in the final fight scene.  
  
So frickin typical  
  
Harry along with Ron and Hermione returned to their dorms for their 6th year and said goodnight. As Harry hugged Hermione goodnight there was a sudden shriek from behind him.  
  
"KISS HER! KISS HER DAMN IT!" some random blond girl screamed trying to smoosh their two faces together.  
  
"NO SHE LOVES RON NOT HIM! SHE LOVES RON I TELL YOU!" another random teenager this time with brown hair screamed tackling the blonde weirdo to the ground and starting the first ever Hogwarts cat fight.  
  
"Who the hell is that?" Harry yelled backing up as all the male students in his house crowded around hollering at the two girls rolling around on the floor.  
  
"Their the resident H/Hr and R/Hr shippers." Hermione said in a very matter of fact voice.  
  
Shippers? Harry thought, what is this shipper? Maybe, he thought, maybe their some type of evil assassin working for Voldemort?  
  
*cue x-files music*  
  
Harry retired to bed after the R/Hr shipper beat the H/Hr shipper into unconsciousness and was named victorious! Ron and Hermione were made most uncomfortable because of this and the sexual tension between them rose three points.  
  
Harry lie in bed that night wondering. He wondered such things as "why is the sky blue?" "Who is the phantom gourmet?" and "Where do babies come from?"  
  
Christ Rowling you have frickin Arithmancy but no sex Ed.  
  
Harry slowly drifted into sleep dreaming about all six of his romantic interests and wondering what exactly was Arithmancy anyway?  
  
R&R  
  
Love ---Onion 


End file.
